We are two weeks closer to Chris' return. I am not a woman who scratches the days of the calendar, but it is difficult to avoid the mundane and usually painful daily reminders that it has ONLY been two weeks. I would like to say that everything went wrong the moment he walked out the door but that would be woefully misguiding. Actually, aside from a few, short lived personality lapses, we have been alright. Thomas is, of course, doing everything he can to get attention without saying a solitary word. That is nothing I find out of the ordinary. He always has unresolved maternal issues, and I am always three steps away from "fixing" it. As for the other children, there is nothing to report.
The hardest reality to shoulder about this beast called a deployment, is the quiet. At ten in the evening, the entire house is silent except for the lull of the washing machine (that runs non-stop). My mind plays tricks on me. I hear things that do not speak. I see things that do not move. I feel things that are not there. This no ghost story, sorry to disappoint, but I feel that my emotions and senses are in hyper mode while he is away. I wake at night and walk, stealthily through the dark, to lay eyes on our children. I just need to see them, to see that they are alright. It is not unlike the need to lay a hand on your sleeping newborn to feel her breathing.
My life is not for the easily bored or lonely. I know women like that. They are always looking for a way to explain away bad behavior and poor choices.
"I drink to unwind. For God's sake! Can't a woman have a vice?", is said to justify a bad habit used to numb and hide boredom.
"I'm emailing Soldier-Whats-His name because I need help around the house", is always handy when a lonely woman needs male attention. I think that I have heard them all. I stay to myself and fend off the crazies by not making appearances. If they can't see you they can't bother you.
So goes the first two weeks...50 more ahead.
The hardest reality to shoulder about this beast called a deployment, is the quiet. At ten in the evening, the entire house is silent except for the lull of the washing machine (that runs non-stop). My mind plays tricks on me. I hear things that do not speak. I see things that do not move. I feel things that are not there. This no ghost story, sorry to disappoint, but I feel that my emotions and senses are in hyper mode while he is away. I wake at night and walk, stealthily through the dark, to lay eyes on our children. I just need to see them, to see that they are alright. It is not unlike the need to lay a hand on your sleeping newborn to feel her breathing.
My life is not for the easily bored or lonely. I know women like that. They are always looking for a way to explain away bad behavior and poor choices.
"I drink to unwind. For God's sake! Can't a woman have a vice?", is said to justify a bad habit used to numb and hide boredom.
"I'm emailing Soldier-Whats-His name because I need help around the house", is always handy when a lonely woman needs male attention. I think that I have heard them all. I stay to myself and fend off the crazies by not making appearances. If they can't see you they can't bother you.
So goes the first two weeks...50 more ahead.
The nights ARE the worst. I find myself sitting up and watching TV or surfing Facebook until I can no longer keep my eyes open just so I can fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow v. lying there, feeling the empty space in my bed and in my heart.
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