I realize that I am a different person from the one that many of you recognize. I speak less now. I'm not as interesting. My opinions don't seem as important anymore. I am finding it more liberating to listen than to run off at the mouth. I could give the credit to the life skills I've learned over years of counseling. It's possible that getting older is mellowing me out. Even being an Army wife has changed my outlook on life tremendously. I believe it's the combination of those things that have changed me.
This deployment has altered me the greatest. Knowing that my husband has been within range of RPG's and small arms fire definitely gives me perspective. The last two weeks has made one thing perfectly clear. I am not afraid to be alone with myself anymore. I don't need constant interaction or conversation to get away from my thoughts. I am learning to enjoy being with myself. I live with the reality that in the next ten months my risk of becoming a widow is a great possibility in comparison to other's (no Army wives included). I am growing less tolerant of people who can't appreciate that type of fear. I don't have patience for the everyday stresses that most people believe are real troubles.
In the next week, the ladies of The Wolfhounds will welcome home two more wounded warriors (there have been 10 so far), grieve the loss of the four from last week, and steel up for the ones to come. My thought processes are different now. Perhaps, it's because for the first time since I was a child I can clearly process how I really feel about things. I plan on cleaning house because it’s way overdue. I imagine when it's all over I will have less friends. I imagine that the people who will surround me will largely be Army friends. There is an unspoken understanding of what it feels like to hear that an IED or an RPG almost blew your spouse to bits. There is no question as to what emotions are riled with that news.
I know that no matter what, even the most stressed relationships within my Army circle will mend themselves instantly if there is a need. As hard has this year is going to be, and the ones before have been, this is my family and my home for better or worse.
There is an odd feeling that comes when your loved one is shot at. It strengthens my resolve. I dig in my heels, and I the find strength to support Chris as he fights back. That is why we are an Army family. Say what you want about trashy, rough, loud Army families. Turn up your noses and pass judgment. How many times have we heard that the Army scrapes the bottom of the barrel for recruits? I'll tell you this...you will NEVER meet a stronger group of people. We train, live, fight, celebrate, cry, support and die together. We do all those things with almost no support from the outside world and with an ever growing lack of respect. We have earned the right to be a little rough around the edges. So, yes. I am a different person from the one I once was. I continue to evolve as a person. Tomorrow I hope to be a little different from the woman I am today. Take me or leave me. I am who I am. I'd rather be alone than to settle for friends and family who would like me to stay the same, or can't find the strength to understand me. For all my Army friends, you know what you mean to me. You understand. You can appreciate my current state of mind. Hooah? Hooah.
This deployment has altered me the greatest. Knowing that my husband has been within range of RPG's and small arms fire definitely gives me perspective. The last two weeks has made one thing perfectly clear. I am not afraid to be alone with myself anymore. I don't need constant interaction or conversation to get away from my thoughts. I am learning to enjoy being with myself. I live with the reality that in the next ten months my risk of becoming a widow is a great possibility in comparison to other's (no Army wives included). I am growing less tolerant of people who can't appreciate that type of fear. I don't have patience for the everyday stresses that most people believe are real troubles.
In the next week, the ladies of The Wolfhounds will welcome home two more wounded warriors (there have been 10 so far), grieve the loss of the four from last week, and steel up for the ones to come. My thought processes are different now. Perhaps, it's because for the first time since I was a child I can clearly process how I really feel about things. I plan on cleaning house because it’s way overdue. I imagine when it's all over I will have less friends. I imagine that the people who will surround me will largely be Army friends. There is an unspoken understanding of what it feels like to hear that an IED or an RPG almost blew your spouse to bits. There is no question as to what emotions are riled with that news.
I know that no matter what, even the most stressed relationships within my Army circle will mend themselves instantly if there is a need. As hard has this year is going to be, and the ones before have been, this is my family and my home for better or worse.
There is an odd feeling that comes when your loved one is shot at. It strengthens my resolve. I dig in my heels, and I the find strength to support Chris as he fights back. That is why we are an Army family. Say what you want about trashy, rough, loud Army families. Turn up your noses and pass judgment. How many times have we heard that the Army scrapes the bottom of the barrel for recruits? I'll tell you this...you will NEVER meet a stronger group of people. We train, live, fight, celebrate, cry, support and die together. We do all those things with almost no support from the outside world and with an ever growing lack of respect. We have earned the right to be a little rough around the edges. So, yes. I am a different person from the one I once was. I continue to evolve as a person. Tomorrow I hope to be a little different from the woman I am today. Take me or leave me. I am who I am. I'd rather be alone than to settle for friends and family who would like me to stay the same, or can't find the strength to understand me. For all my Army friends, you know what you mean to me. You understand. You can appreciate my current state of mind. Hooah? Hooah.
